Ho-ly shit. I just had my first ever Brazillian wax, and I feel so ... so... VIOLATED! Who thought this up?? Whose brilliant idea was it to do this to some poor woman? The Gitmo detainees are treated better than this!

Her: Ok, now cross your legs at the ankles, and lift your knees up to your chest.

Me: Huh? Is this a practical joke? Did Melissa put you up to this?

Her: I don't know Melissa.....

I actually PAID for this privilege! I paid this young lady to stare into my lady-bits and my unbleached stink-eye, and to hurt me. Is this like a sex thing? Am I a deviant for this? Is it even legal???

And at the end of it she says "I'm going to leave the room now" and demurely covers my raped beaver with a towel, "and I want you to feel around to make sure we got everything and that you're satisfied. In a moment or two I'll come back and ask you from outside the door."

So I do the groping thing....

KNOCK KNOCK

Her: Is it okay?

Me: My ass is glued shut!

(general assorted laughter from the spa)

Her: Use the after-wax cream!!

Me: Oh.

I couldn't look her in the eye at the cash. She says "Don't worry, if I see you on the street, I probably won't even recognize you."

Me: Of course not! It's not like you've been looking at my face!!

I need a fucking margarita.

Labels: Personal