After my father died, there was always a lineup of people who wanted to take the orphan in for Christmas. But year after year, my heart drew me back to the same place. The Cottage. My safe haven. Even when I lived with H's family, and had a "normal" Christmas, I couldn't wait for dinner to end so that Andrew could drive me North to the only place that has ever soothed the raging voices inside me. As the holidays approached, I would sing along to I'll Be Home For Christmas with tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat.

But no more. Though home is where the heart is, I was never told what to do when both heart and home have been destroyed. The Cottage - my home, my lover, my church - is now nothing more than a pile of blackened tinders I keep on the balcony of my apartment. The part of my heart that understood joy is just as black now. There is no home, and no heart. I will not be home for Christmas.

But like the Grinch hearing the singing of the gift-less Whos, I realize that with or without the Cottage, Christmas will come just the same. I count my blessings nightly, to remind me that I'm lucky to even be alive. It doesn't take the pain of the loss away, but it does remind me to suck it up and move on (or as Beth would say "Put on your big-girl panties and deal!"). Somehow, without the Cottage, I manage to draw breath every day. I know where (and who) that strength comes from, and I thank God for it every day.

The Blue Christmas Playlist

I'll Be Home for Christmas - Bing Crosby
Nobody Ought to be Alone on Christmas - Darleen Love
Christmas is Cancelled - The Long Blonds
New York City Christmas - Matchbox Twenty
Away in a Manger - Bright Eyes
Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis - Tom Waits
Driving Home for Christmas - Chris Rea
I'll Be Home on Christmas Day - Elvis Presley
There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays - Leone Redbone
Ave Maria - Jewel