This morning I was attacked by the Mean Reds.

Churchill had his black dog, but my dog is the red-headed stepson of a real sonofabitch.

From Breakfast at Tiffanys:

Holly: You Know those days when you get the Mean Reds?

Paul: The Mean Reds? You mean, like the blues?

Holly: The blues are because you're getting fat or it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of.
Don't you ever get that feeling?

Well, due to the excitement, alcohol consumption, and sheer exhaustion of the past few days, I woke up this morning with a full-scale Mean Red panic attack. For those of you who've never had a panic attack, let me just say how debilitating it can be. I have actually lost jobs, friends and lovers in the past becuase I was crippled by one of these motherfuckers. On a scale of 1-5, this morning was a 3.5. A 5 is nuclear, and the fallout can last for years.

I was so tired, so completely wiped out, all I wanted was more sleep. But then the paranoia set in. What about my name? Was I going to lose my job because of some of the things I wrote being linked back to my real name? What about the cost of the trip? I couldn't really afford it, but I made do. When you want something bad enough, you'll do just about anything to get it. And back to my name - I joke about a fatwa, but that doesn't mean I actually want one! These are the things I was worrying about, along with a host of others. I say worry, but that's not really the best word. The Mean Reds go well beyond worry - you are depressed, crying, needy, scared to death, and trying in vain to get out of your own skin. When I rolled over to Mr. Right and said "Baby, just talk. Talk to me." he kew we were in for another one.

We talked about whether I should go to work or not. I didn't want to get in trouble for taking an extra day. But we weighed it out: Was staying home an extra day better or worse for my career than going in and cracking up in front of my boss and colleagues. It was true that I probably wouldn't even make it through the subway ride. So in the end, I slept till noon. Did the Mean Reds go away? No, but I have a bit more energy to deal with them right now. And Mr. Right will be home soon.