Friend? Since when have I been friends with the likes of you? I have enough thieves and shady men in my past without having you hanging around, Paul.

In recent days, testimony at the Gomery Commission has captured a great deal of public attention.[No matter how hard we tried to keep it out of the papers. At least the CBC hardly mentions it. Good guys, those bosses at the CBC. They'll go far.] It has also given rise to allegations about the Liberal Party itself and, by extension, all of us who are members. I felt it was important to write you on this subject and share my perspective and my pride in all of you as Liberals and activists.

As Leader and Prime Minister, I want party members everywhere to remember that it was this Liberal government that established the Gomery Commission [So that we could decide who was running it. It wouldn't have worked to my advantage if we had a conservative judge throw me in jail.] – precisely in order to see that anyone who might have used the Liberal name to profit from national unity would be identified and punished. Similarly, if there are those who abused our party’s trust by using their position or their association with it, they have done a terrible disservice to the people of Canada and the members of our Party [As have I, but I'll never admit it!!!].

Like all Liberals and all Canadians, I'm offended by what I've heard in recent testimony. If even part of it turns out to be true, it is abhorrent to us all. [The very thought that I might not win another election actually makes me sweat.]

Public life is the highest service to which one can commit and the Liberal Party must embody the highest of ethical standards. This is my determined view, just as I know it is yours. To those who have watched recent testimony, I say simply this is not the way politics should be done. Most certainly, this is not the way we do politics in the Liberal Party. [Except for the former Prime Minister, various henchmen, and the ex-minister of finance, but hopefully you'll never find out about that. In fact, I left a fat envelope on Justice Gomery's dining table, and then went to the loo, and when I came back, the envelope was gone. So chances are, you won't find out about my involvement.]

Canadians are looking for someone to step forward and to be accountable for cleaning up this mess and as Prime Minister and Liberal Leader, I accept that responsibility. [As long as that's all I have to accept responsibility for.]

In fact, as my first act in office, on December 12th, 2003, I cancelled the sponsorship program. I made sure that those implicated were removed from their positions as crown corporation executives. The Government has also filed a lawsuit against 19 defendants, including several communications companies and their directors, to recover $41 million. And of course, it was this Liberal government that appointed Justice Gomery. With his conclusions in hand, I will act swiftly and surely to ensure those who did wrong face the full consequence of their actions. [Especially Chretien. But not me. Never me.]

As Liberals, these challenging times will also give us an ideal opportunity to show Canadians our true values and ethics [We're commies.]. It is the Liberal Party that believes in the good that government can do [And the more government, the better.], that has stood at every important moment in our nation's history to fight for a united country and that has delivered to Canadians the strongest economy and best quality of life anywhere in the world [Take our healthcare system, for example.].

It is these values, expressed through the policies we pursue that tell the true story of what the Liberal Party stands [More for me!] for and what it will fight for in the future. Together we have made great strides to strengthen public health care by finding ways to lower the times that Canadians have to wait for heart surgeries and cancer treatments [They'll still die, but they'll have hope, right up to the last breath.]. We have taken steps to revitalize Canada’s cities and communities [Except Toronto, which pays more taxes than all the other cities combined. That tax money is going into my pocket. To preserve the country.], and to preserve our natural environment [Except I had to cut back on Kyoto, or the eeeevil Conservatives would have brought down my empire. Um, I mean my democratic government. Your government.]. We are working to build a child care system on which Canadians can depend.

In other words, this Liberal government is keeping its promises to Canadian taxpayers [We told you we would cost you millions, and by golly, that's what we've delivered!]. While the Gomery inquiry finishes its job, we must continue to do ours. Most important of all, we must be proud of who we are, the good we’ve done and the good we will continue to do in the future. That is why I am - like you - so proud to be a Liberal [After all, somebody has to be.].

[In]Sincerely,

Prime Minister Paul [Dithers] Martin